Meltdown

Yesterday's meltdown was thwarted by the song of the day and the fact that another member of the family was well on his way to a lava- lavishing conniption. Every mom knows there is only room enough for one meltdown at a time.


However mine was not really thwarted, but postponed. Even though I saved us thirty dollars by using a slim jim to get into Chris' car this morning after he locked his keys in the trunk yesterday, I still couldn't stretch the rest of my dollars. 


As I stood outside the Office Depot by the trash can today, ripping my sales paper in two because I couldn't afford an all in one, make my life easier, fax, copier, color, laser,  printer, I melted. 


Ugh, are you serious? I asked myself as tears started to roll. It's a freaking printer. What day of the month is this? I have food, a free car,  a sort of roof over my head. A family that loves me. Come on. Buck up. 


And I thought about this morning and how I dropped the slim jim down into the door and how Chris and I laughed and laughed and I had to use a butter knife to get it out.


"That's so Pleasant Grove," he said. 
"No. True Grove Rats don't need a Slim Jim at all. They would use the butter knife to get in the car."  


He prayed and finally I unlocked the door. I couldn't get the Slim Jim out though, so he drove away with it sticking out of his window. We just kept laughing going down the highway. 


But now, THREE HOURS LATER, the tears flowed. 


I took deep breaths as I got in the car and drove home. I cried harder at the stop light even though the person beside me could see. This is as private as my meltdowns get. Usually in public, but not in front of anyone I know. Who cares if strangers think I am neurotic and odd because I can't find the peanut butter in the stupid mega store that I hate to go to by myself or because I am swaying from one foot to another with paper work in my hand trying to remember my own phone number and I can't?  


Exactly. Who cares?


Maybe other moms understand the massive loads of paperwork that go along with a child who has special needs. My family,my friends, my lawyers, my case workers,maybe everyone I know, but still, it's not that big of deal and I am ANGRY that I am crying!


Then I remember the list of phrases I say to myself to be my own cheerleader or to calm myself down:


It doesn't matter.
Don't give up.
You are not crazy.
Why are you sleeping?
I will not be destroyed.
Shut up.
The spirit of power, remember?
You are a beloved child of God in whom he delights.
Bask. 


I just have to wait for things and it's inconvenient and makes me have to work harder and I am kind of scattered as it is, but that's how it is. And that's okay.

That's okay.