Monday, September 23, 2013

Monday's/Momma's Much Needed Song of the Day: Wait for Me by the Kings of Leon

This one is for my momma, who is not all better, but working on it!
This summer I returned home from helping friends move to Mexico to find a very sick momma. 

She was suffering from hyponatremia and hyperkalemia and was beginning to act like she was (barely) living under water,  moving so slow, her body shutting down.
In the ER, after her labs returned in record speed, we understood how lucky we were. 
"Most people with potassium this low are in a coma."
My mom was confused, shaky, and didn't always remember who I was. She couldn't walk, could barely talk, and had to be fed most of her nutrients through an IV. 

Eventually, when it looked like she would recover, I was given the task of finding a nursing home for her to rehab.

One day, I was going from nursing home to nursing home in Athens, TX; the next day I was going from university to university for my senior. 

One day I was encouraging my mom to eat and cooperate with her physical therapists; the next day I was encouraging my son to finish his essay and work on practice tests for his SAT. 

Everything I encouraged my mom to do would bring her back to me and everything I encouraged my son to do would help him move away from me. 

I had to put my already messy heart on auto-pilot. 

"You have not given me the spirit of fear, not the spirit of fear, not the spirit of fear." 
But I couldn't remember what it was I had been given. Peace, love, a sound mind?
That scripture was a mantra during my twenties, but now it felt hollow. 

One night I put my hand on my mom's head.  She was still having trouble finding the words she wanted to say.
"What are you doing?" she finally asked.
"Me, too."she sobbed.  "It's all I can do."
"Yeah. I know. "

Anger, confusion, exhaustion, numbness: hope. Resentment, disgust, sadness, fear: hope. Like beauty for ashes, I put my mess at His feet and He gave me what I  needed. 

At some point my sister asked me, "Why are you so hopeful?"

"I don't know how else to be."

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