Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Open up? More like shut down.

For the first time in my life I am afraid when I see a police officer.  My brain knows it isn’t fair to judge a whole profession by the actions of a few. I know and love some lawyers. I know and love some probably future politicians, and some wrecker drivers and car sales people even though they have reputations for being a bit slimy.
But I always thought cops were heroes. That they were here to protect me, save my life and come when I was afraid. And now, when I am afraid, I am afraid to call them.
I thought they were respectful. That at least when I asked a police officer not to curse at me, he would stop. And instead of getting angrier, he would realize I was afraid, help calm me down. That when I told him the truth, he would believe me;he would understand. That he would WANT to understand and when he realized I was confused, he would help me.
But that didn't happen,  and I can’t seem to shake it.
My brain knows that most cops would die for me, possibly, even the very ones who have been hurtful.  I mean, I‘ve seen “Crash”, I’ve read Blink. My brain knows this is how bias begins, but I can’t convince my flesh not to crawl when a cop is near. I can’t convince my heart to beat slowly, my breath to stay steady even though I am doing nothing wrong, I know they have power that doesn’t always land down on the truth but at times on their perception of the truth because they are HUMAN.
I try to remind myself, God is my defender. Even Jesus was mistreated and falsely accused; to fear not, but my gut has yet to come along.
I am the one who always takes up for cops when they make a mistake. That hurts for them when they have accidentally shot someone in a split second decision that could have been prevented. I am the one who is scarred by that story in Blink because I know those guys will never be the same.
But now, thanks to a few mean cops, I will never think of them the same.

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